


I Find Myself Longing for a Change

by MissKiraBlue



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bars and Pubs, But bts is still a thing, Coincidences, Consequences, Dancing and Singing, Emotional Hurt, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family, Fate & Destiny, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Idol Jeon Jungkook, Idol Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Idol Kim Namjoon | RM, Idol Kim Seokjin | Jin, Idol Min Yoongi | Suga, Idol Park Jimin (BTS), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, Interesting character dynamic, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Melancholy, Music, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Jeon Jungkook, POV Kim Taehyung | V, Romance, Second Chances, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, taehyung isn't in bts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKiraBlue/pseuds/MissKiraBlue
Summary: “I know we have everything,” Taehyung whispered, showing his true soul, afraid of getting an answer. “I know anybody would kill to have this life, this chance of a lifetime. But I think something’s missing, and I want to find it, but it seems like I never will.”Taehyung wakes up one day without nowhere to go, starving and badly hurt. He remembers everything yet no one seems to remember him. One day luck finds him and he is given an opportunity he can't pass.Taehyung is trapped in another world where he isn't in BTS and no one remembers him but Taehyung still ends up being an idol and eventually meets them.





	I Find Myself Longing for a Change

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my adorable–evils! You may ask, why am I writing another story while I'm still working on another one? Simple.
> 
> Taekook has officially taken over my life. Now where was I?
> 
> I'm SO EXCITED!! To share this with you guys!! Who read my other works won't be surprised because I mentioned this fanfic was on my soon to get done list!! here it is!! YAY!!
> 
> I hope you guys will love this as much as I love it.
> 
> Love you and love you!!
> 
> PS: This work was heavily inspired by two stories, both are masterpieces, worth checking out.
> 
> "For an infinity" by Bluevoyance. It is a masterpiece I'm telling ya guys, read it.
> 
> and
> 
> "Trust your heart if the seas catch fire" by maxx
> 
> And also the song by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, called 'Shallow'
> 
> PS: thank you for the talented author Kochimv, who helped me and, who has a new work on this site which is another masterpice and it is called “Ready, Set, Fight” Check it out fellas, it’s also a homeless au but with JK.

**I Find MyselfLonging**

**for**

**a**

**Change**

_“I’m falling._

_In all the good times_

_I find myself longing for a change._

_And, in the bad times, I fear myself.”_

– Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper (_A Star Is Born_)

**––––––––––––––––––––**

**Chapter 1**

**Is there something else you’re searching for?**

2019

There was this voice, a sound in Taehyung and it grew bigger and bigger each day, and whenever he took a deep breath, he felt as if he didn’t have much time left.

It seemed as if a clock were ticking in the background, mocking him, desperately clinging on his shoulders, saying; _you can’t make this better, you can’t make it go away, you can’t get back to how it was, you can’t go back to who you were._

The voice had been getting louder and louder, horrifying and satisfied, singing into Taehyung’s ears.

_You can’t make this better._

Taehyung curled up on his bed–

_You can’t make it go away._

He pulled up his knees and leaned his head on his legs–

_You can’t get back to how it was._

His stomach clenched, the bile started to choke him–

_You can’t go back to who you were._

Taehyung buried his head into his hands. His blue hair was sticking out between his fingers, soft and colorful against his skin.

_You can’t go back to who you were._

It felt like as if he was dying. Slowly yet surely.

_I shouldn’t feel like this._

He sighed and shut his eyes.

It happened again.

_I dreamed about things that were out of my reach._

He had dreams about sitting at a coffee house, without eyes looking at him, without people following him around. He had dreams about traveling to different countries without worrying about how the other people in that culture would react to him and his actions. He had dreams about his family, how he had time to attend all the birthdays and anniversaries and future weddings and even funerals–

He was trying to hold back his tears.

_It takes a lifetime to die._

And yet Taehyung felt like he had never lived to begin with.

So many people could do all of those things he dreamed about. Walking to town without bodyguards, eating at a restaurant without stalkers, sitting in their rooms, doing nothing.

_At least in my dreams I can live a little, too._

He heard a knock on the door and he straightened his back, plastering a smile on his face. It was too strained to be real, yet masterfully hidden for anyone to notice.

And all he ever thought of these days were as simple as time, as his ticking clock.

It was simple.

_Another day in this hell._

**––––––––––––––––**

_“Remember when you thought that dogs with dots on their bodies can’t exist?” Nari, his childhood friend, laughed almost spitting out her tea. They were sitting at their table in Taehyung’s house, his mom was cooking in the kitchen. The smell filled with love and seasoning and it painted the whole house, as the light of the dawn shone through the windows._

_Taehyung grinned and lightly hit her shoulders. “Shut up!” Nari didn’t stop laughing. “You made me watch the 101 Dalmatians the next day, you monster.”_

_Nari clicked her tongue, narrowing her eyes. “You loved it. Don’t tell me, you didn’t.”_

_And Taehyung was too happy to lie._

Taehyung remembered that day clearly.

How could he not?

The last day he didn’t lie.

**––––––––––––––––**

_“How are you, Tae?”_

_Taehyung gave out a sad smile while he held the phone over his ear, listening to his father’s voice. He finally had time to make a call._

_He finally had the time and he had no idea what to say._

_A dream came true, Taehyung tried to say. I am the luckiest person on earth, Taehyung tried to say._

_I love my life._

_Taehyung tried to say._

_He tried._

_He really did._

_“I miss you,” he said instead. “I wish it would be easier. I wish it would be better, I wish I could see you and mom and the others. I wish I could.”_

_“But you also wish you didn’t, am I right?”_

_Yes, Taehyung tried to say._

_He tried._

_He really did._

_“No,” he lied. “It’s hard but I’m happy.”_

_Maybe his father saw him through. He must have._

_Because he said, “I love you no matter what.”_

Maybe Taehyung should have quit right then and there.

He might have saved at least a tiny bit of himself.

But he didn’t.

And now he had nothing to save.

**––––––––––––––––**

_“So you’re going away?” Nari hugged herself, biting her bottom lip._

_Taehyung shut his eyes. “Yes,” he said quietly. “And you should support me, that’s what friends do–”_

_“So what, should I just support you while you’re leaving to be an idol, Tae?” Nari shouted. “You’re my best friend, you– you won’t even be here when I graduate–”_

_“Nari–”_

_“You won’t see me going to college–”_

_Taehyung felt panic rose into his throat. “Nari–”_

_Nari buried her head into her hands, hiding, crying._

_“What? Am I wrong? Taehyung?” Nari looked at him with tears in her eyes. “Tell me then! Will you have time to be there at my graduation? At my wedding?” Nari narrowed her eyes and took a step backwards. “Will you even remember me? Miss me?”_

_Taehyung couldn't even breathe. “How can you say that? Of course I’ll remember, you’re my best friend–”_

_“And yet you still leave! I was there for you, Taehyung. I was there even in your darkest days, I was there, because you deserve the whole world and I love you and you’re my best friend,” Nari shouted, wiping her eyes with her forearm. “You know what? Leave, be happy, I hope you’re going to be successful, I really do–”_

_Taehyung tried to stop Nari by catching her arm, but she pulled it away and walked out of the house._

_Taehyung’s flight took off the next morning._

_That was their last conversation._

He wasn't there when she graduated, he had no idea where she was at the moment or what she was doing, whether she ended up married or not.

Taehyung sometimes wondered what would have happened if he had stayed that day.

Would he have witnessed all of that?

**–––––––––––––––––**

As his make–up artist put on her magic on Taehyung, he couldn’t look away from the mirror. He was perfect in so many ways – perfect lines, beautiful eyes and flawless skin, something that would be a stunning painting with bright colors and passion.

_I hate you._

Taehyung slowly blinked, still looking into the mirror.

_I hate you._

He shut down his eyes, obeying the make–up artist.

He always wondered if someone still remembered his old self. The one who wasn’t afraid to show anything – the one who moved freely, who was too raw for this current world, who was real.

_I wonder if anyone noticed how much strength I need to finish a day._

He had no idea when it became like this. Maybe as he realized he didn't have time to spend with his family – maybe when he realized that he would never have time for anything at all. Without eyes looking at him, without constant attention eating his skin alive.

_I shouldn’t feel like this._

Taehyung was a billionaire. He had a perfect appearance. He was healthy. He had six people who loved him unconditionally – and he loved them, too.

_I shouldn’t feel like this._

The make–up artist ordered him to open his eyes. Taehyung slowly blinked, still looking into the mirror.

_I shouldn’t feel like this._

And yet, Taehyung knew he was dying. Slowly yet surely. In a way where he could still exist, in a way where he could still sing for them, still perform with the other six people, and still sing for his millions of fans.

But what was the point of living for someone else?

Lipgloss, like a paint to help him hide his fake smile, a little blush to hide his fears of getting old, of getting not perfect enough because then what use he’d be for?

_I hate you._

He looked into his own eyes with a bright smile.

_Because you’re not real._

**––––––––––––––––––**

When they performed, Taehyung forgot for awhile that he was pretending to be happy. These were the times when he could truly show what his old self looked like. Someone who shone brighter than anything, someone who was life itself.

Someone who still felt something.

He was just singing. He was just doing what he loved – fooling around with the other members, his family in a way. Taehyung was happy for them. He really was. He loved them with all of his heart.

But there was this voice growing and growing, bigger and bigger by each day.

And Taehyung was scared that someday he would become too weak to bear it any longer.

**–––––––––––––––––**

“You’re doing it again.”

Taehyung looked at Jungkook, hearing his voice. His wavy hair was messy, yet still managing to be perfect. Like him.

_Not human, more like a machine._

In all honesty, Taehyung knew that the others noticed there was something off about him, too. When he stopped being so cheerful, when he started to become more mature.

_When I forgot to act._

They never really acted on it. They might have assumed it would pass. Only Jungkook knew or at least sensed that this was something that happened again and again, and more frequently at that. Only he spoke up about it.

_Because in front of him was the hardest to act._

“Doing what?” Taehyung asked hesitantly.

Jungkook sighed. “You know what I mean, Tae.”

Taehyung wondered if Jungkook felt the same way. If he longed for something more in this life, something that he had been missing from his entire life.

_Something he can’t quite define._

“Do you ever feel like you’re searching for something?” Taehyung asked quietly. The others were asleep in the other rooms. The moonlight shone through the window, lightening the floor in their room.

Jungkook sat up and looked at him from the other bed. He looked tired, way too tired for a question like this. Taehyung already regretted asking him – he needed to rest after his performance. And now he ruined it for him, maybe he couldn’t even fall asleep again–

“Searching for what?” Jungkook asked, yawning.

_He had no idea._

Taehyung felt pain struck his heart.

_Maybe he was the only one who craved for something more._

Or maybe not. He had to try. So he decided to ask again, taking a deep breath, “Sometimes this life seems not enough.”

Jungkook was silent for a couple of seconds. “What do you mean?”

“I know we have everything,” Taehyung whispered, showing his true soul, afraid of getting an answer. “I know anybody would kill to have this life, this chance of a lifetime. But I think something’s missing, and I want to find it, but it seems like I never will.”

Taehyung wanted to hear something that would ease his pain – that would reassure him that this was okay, it was okay to feel like this and everything would be fine.

He received silence at first. But then Jungkook answered, loud and clear, shattering his world.

“If you start thinking like that, it will kill you.”

Taehyung fell silent.

He waited for Jungkook to fall asleep, and then let his tears roll down on his cheek. Because the days were getting more difficult, and his dreams were getting more full of life and reality more empty and he wanted a closure, wanted comfort, wanted something that would have calmed his heart.

_Well, Jungkook._

Taehyung’s shoulders were shaking as he wiped his face into his pillow.

_I’m already dying._

**–––––––––––––––––**

“He needs to do better.”

“He almost lost his balance, did you guys see that? I bet he always messed their practice up. He’s useless.”

“Is he even even trying?”

“He disgusts me.”

Taehyung wanted to be deaf, wanted to be blind. In order to ignore these people. They were haters, he knew. All over social media, nameless strangers, anonymous people.

_Nothing to be sensitive about._

But then something changed, a trigger, if one would call. Because the voice started to become more violent.

_You need to do better._

Taehyung wanted to be deaf, wanted to be blind.

_Are you even trying anymore?_

Taehyung wanted to be deaf, wanted to be blind.

_You disgust me._

Taehyung wanted to be deaf, wanted to be blind. Wanted to escape from himself.

_It’s unfortunate I can’t leave._

**–––––––––––––––**

“Hey, don’t care about them, Tae,” Hoseok smiled and nudged him on the shoulders, trying to cheer him up. They were sitting at the living room, the television was on, giving out a distant sound that made Taehyung want to fall asleep for some reason.

“Yeah,” Seokjin shouted from the kitchen, while cooking. “They’re bored and wants to provoke a reaction from you. Don’t give them that.”

Taehyung smiled. His usual perfect smile.

They were haters, he knew.

_Nothing to be sensitive about._

But then something changed, a trigger, if one would call.

**––––––––––––––––**

“You know you can tell me anything, Taehyung.”

Taehyung glanced over Yoongi. He was looking at Taehyung with a patient look. It was eight, the night fell on the sky like stars. They were in Yoongi’s studio, him doing his work, Taehyung only accompanying him.

He had been too silent, he must have been. Otherwise Yoongi wouldn’t have said anything. But Taehyung didn’t seem to stop thinking nowadays – he just couldn’t stop, his mind was whirling like a storm all day long on _what ifs_ and it was beginning to tear his soul apart. Well, what was left of it anyway.

Taehyung turned around to look at him. Yoongi had stopped whatever he was doing and now he was staring at Taehyung patiently.

“What do you think where we’d be if all of this didn’t happen?” Taehyung whispered, vulnerable.

Yoongi blinked, seemingly deep in thought. And then he said,

“I don’t know,” he said, stopping a little. “But I think we’d be lonely.”

Taehyung hummed and did not answer. He just said, “I just wonder sometimes.”

And again, wanting to hear comfort, Taehyung waited and waited.

He waited.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Yoongi answered quietly.

His soul broke.

**––––––––––––––**

Nowadays Namjoon’s eyes were constantly on him, on his back, following him everywhere. Maybe Jungkook or Yoongi said something, maybe even Jin and Hoseok. Or maybe not, maybe Namjoon was just perspective.

Taehyung was afraid to have that conversation. He was too afraid of what answer he would get.

_We can’t quit, Tae. We gotta do it until the end, we can’t stop, we can’t give up. You’re only destroying yourself with these thoughts, with these dreams. After we’re done, you can do all these things._

It seemed there was no way out of this nightmare, of this hell. There was hope after seven or eight years.

But after those years, would there be anything left of him?

He was so afraid, that for one night, he didn’t dream about a better life.

**–––––––––––––––––**

Fansigns were always interesting. Taehyung loved to meet armies – loved to see them smile and loved how their music helped them through hard times. He was amazed every single time, realizing how many people were listening them, were there for them. How much they have grown.

But in the meantime, he also felt guilty, in so many ways.

_These people would deserve to get my real self. To see my real side._

And all Taehyung could do was show them his fake smile. Because he couldn’t give more, he was too tired to give more.

He looked to the sides and saw the members chatting with their own person. He looked around the room and noticed a little boy, around the age of ten. He wore a red, stripped shirt and green elegant shoes.

Yet, no one looked at him. As if he wasn’t even there.

He was walking around the room with the album in his hand, as if he was searching for something.

Taehyung was shaken out of his thoughts by a new fan, and then another one, and another one and when he noticed, an hour had gone by.

“Hello.”

Taehyung blinked, seeing the little kid in front of him with a big grin and sly eyes.

Taehyung turned his head, noticing how no one was paying attention to this kid, and meanwhile, also looking for his parents.

“Oh, they’re waiting for me outside,” he said, still smiling and gave Taehyung the album. “I love the songs. Especially ‘_Jamais Vu_’, takes me back, you know?”

Taehyung had the most confused look on his face, he couldn’t even talk. The kid laughed and then said, “For Min, if you would.”

Taehyung blinked and let out a weak, confused laugh. “Sure,” he said, opening the album, signing it on the inside. Only the crowd of people could be heard, talking and laughing and happiness all around the room.

“Now I understand why I’m needed here,” he heard Min’s voice again.

The pen stopped moving in Taehyung’s hand as he looked up at Min again. He didn’t smile this time. He leaned closer as if he wanted to whisper something to Taehyung, and he leaned closer too, without even noticing it.

Then Min spoke, a voice of a child but a voice of someone who had seen too much,

“You’re happy but you don’t feel joy.”

Taehyung’s went round with shock as he leaned back. Min touched his hand and slipped something into Taehyung’s palm. Then took the album, and said, “Good luck, Kim Taehyung.”

Taehyung blinked as the boy vanished.

He stood up from his seat and whirled around, searching for the kid but it was as if he hadn’t been there at all.

And then Taehyung felt it. Something inside of his hand.

He opened it and looked down. A piece of paper and a word that sent chills down on Taehyung’s spine.

_Live._

**––––––––––––––––––**

“What’s wrong with you today?” Jimin spoke quietly next to him and Taehyung couldn’t get Min out of his head.

“Do you remember that kid from the signing?” Taehyung asked, the piece of paper was still in his pocket. “Red stripped shirt, green shoes? Hard to miss.”

Jimin seemed confused. “Who? What? Was there a kid?”

Taehyung’s eyes widened. “You didn’t see him? Really?”

“No,” Jimin shook his head, definitely worried. “You should sleep, Tae. You’re being weird, well, weirder than usual. We had a hard day and we’ll have an even harder one tomorrow. Go, get some rest.”

_It feels like I’m going insane._

Taehyung was silently looking at Jimin. It felt too hard to continue his act, yet too easy to fall apart.

_I want to stay strong._

“Say, Jiminie,” Taehyung began again, giving one more chance for this, hoping for a better answer. “You’re never get tired sometimes? Not physically, but mentally.”

He felt stupid to ask that. Of course he was – of course they were.

“Of course we are,” Jimin said with a little smile. “But we have to keep going.”

_Maybe they would be whole after seven or eight years too. Maybe even more. They would remain whole._

Unlike him.

**––––––––––––––––––**

It felt like Namjoon had finally decided to confront him. He sensed something was wrong. Really wrong. Before Taehyung went to his room, he ran into him. Namjoon, without another word, hugged him.

And Taehyung promised he would stop crying while hugging him back. It didn’t help.

Taehyung buried his face into the crook of Namjoon’s neck, trying to get comfort. Because he knew.

_One day_

_I won’t fight anymore._

**––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung was lying in his bed, looking at the piece of paper that Min gave him, reading the word all over and over again.

_Live._

Taehyung turned his head on his pillow and looked at Jungkook’s back, who was sleeping on the other bed.

Jungkook’s words echoed in his mind.

_“...If you start thinking like that, it will kill you...”_

Taehyung looked back at the piece of paper. His sight started to get blurry, his hands began to shake, breathing became difficult.

He moved his other hand to rip it apart–

_“...If you start thinking like that, it will kill you...”_

Taehyung stopped, the paper as perfect as it ever was.

He stared at it and then closed his eyes. He brought the piece of paper to his chest, close to his heart.

Because he still wanted to try. He hoped and believed in a better life and he might remain whole.

He still wanted to try.

Even though he knew he couldn’t.

Taehyung fell asleep with tears in his eyes and with something that grew bigger and bigger each day, suffocating him, and whenever he took a deep breath, he felt as if he hadn’t had much time left.

**–––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung was woken up by a bucket of cold water. He brought his hands to hug himself, almost yelled as he opened his eyes, already shivering.

He stopped moving, completely petrified.

_It was still night._

An angry man, wearing a white apron was gesturing widely, rudely, shouting at him. Taehyung didn’t understand a word.

_This wasn’t Korean._

Taehyung stood up, still hugging himself and his wet clothes and hurried, wanting to get away from that man as soon as possible. He looked back and saw where he was chased away from. An alleyway, a back of a restaurant where all the trash were.

His heart stopped beating.

_What._

How did he get from his bed to here on the street? Didn’t he fall asleep in his own bed–

Taehyung looked around.

Skyscrapers, hundreds of people swirling around with phones and documents and thousands of cars driving like maniacs, yellow taxis–

_Not speaking Korean._

Taehyung whirled around and saw English signs, English boards and hundreds of light and signs and, trailers, commercials and ads–

_Times Square._

Taehyung’s jaw fell down.

How in the hell did he manage to be in New York?

He looked down at himself and noticed what he wore. Dirty, never washed clothes filled with holes, teared up–

He touched his face and noticed how many people were staring at him. Because of how he looked like.

_Because of what he was–_

Taehyung froze.

Putting two and the two together, he pinched himself hard.

_This had to be a bad dream._

But Taehyung didn’t wake up.

“No,” he whispered, touching his face, noticing how dirty he was, how awful he smelled like. People around him kept their distances, some tried to avoid looking at him, some had disgust and hatred in his eyes or indifference–

_No one knew who he was._

Taehyung took a slow turn, looking up at the skyscrapers, still not believing where he was or how he did not wake up yet. His wet coat followed his movement, felt the light breeze on his skin, through the holes.

His eyes stopped at trash can. He noticed a newspaper–

Taehyung began to walk towards it – only now he noticed that he was slightly limping, he looked down on his legs and saw a bleeding wound on his left knee. He tried not to wince and stopped before the trash can, pulling the newspaper out, opening it and took a look.

**2018, 5th of May.**

Taehyung’s eyes widened, he almost fell down on his knees.

**––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung got into the public restroom and stood before the washbasin, looking into the mirror. He had dark brown hair, almost reaching his eyes and his skin felt and looked dry, he noticed several bruises–

_Calm down, calm down._

Taehyung took a deep breath and let it out, checking the pocket of his coat, of his pants. He felt something and he pulled out the piece of paper Min gave to him.

_Live._

Taehyung’s heart stopped.

How could he have this when he–

“Oh, no, Taehyung,” he began. “You’re dreaming, this is not true, don’t believe it for a second that this is true.”

_Time travel doesn’t exist, you’ve never been homeless and when you fell asleep, you certainly weren’t in New York._

He pinched himself again as he put back the piece of paper inside of his pocket.

And even then, Taehyung didn’t wake up.

**–––––––––––––––––**

It was close to midnight and Taehyung still didn’t wake up and he couldn’t help but feel terrified. Especially when he started to hear his stomach growling and when he realized how thin his clothes were, and despite being May, it was cold during night.

Wherever he went, everyone stared at him. They tried not to – the better ones –, but failed eventually.

_It was weird to have disgusted or pity stares._

It felt weird not seeing awe in people’s eyes.

Taehyung just walked. He had nowhere to go, he had no idea how he ended up here or how long he had been living like this. He lost all his English skills, apparently, because he understood nothing and no one.

And he certainly wasn’t famous.

_What a weird dream._

It felt too real for Taehyung. The hunger felt real, the cold felt real, the pain in his legs –especially in his knee –, felt real. Not to mention the smell or how unclean he was everywhere.

All of this, felt _way_ too real.

He walked pass by a house which was filled with noise – people’s cheering and loud music. A party. Taehyung stopped and just stared at the house, suddenly feeling a sharp pain close to his chest.

He automatically touched his wrist and froze.

Taehyung looked down only to see visible white scars. His eyes went round as he brought his wrists closer.

_Self harm._

Taehyung started to breathe unevenly, short and long ones, in and out because–

He had never did this to himself and yet he was looking at these scars, and they were his, they were on his skin.

_What the hell is going?_

**––––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung found an empty can and sat down to ask money because it seemed he won’t wake up anytime soon.

_Might as well get some food._

People would think that you control your dreams, therefore, you could do whatever you want. But no matter how hard Taehyung tried to wish for food or people to give him money for food, nothing happened.

_This is my worst dream ever._

Which was already weird to begin with because Taehyung only had dreams about nice things. What in the hell happened to him to have this dream?

_And why am I not waking up?_

It was the longest dream he had ever had.

Taehyung was waiting and waiting, getting colder and colder each minute.

No one came close nor gave him anything.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

He woke up and felt delight, he finally woke up–

_No._

Taehyung sat up, not giving a fuck about the sharp pain that struck his knee, and looked down and around.

_English signs, English boards, the empty can which had been in his hands now ended up on the ground–_

He woke up at the same place as last night.

**–––––––––––––––––**

**2018, 6th of May.**

Taehyung teared up the newspaper and started to hyperventilate, because there was no way, there was no way, no way–

He limped away, not looking at anyone. The sharp pain followed his movements everywhere, reminding him that this wasn’t a dream.

This was reality.

And maybe, maybe,

Taehyung was really going insane.

**––––––––––––––––––**

There were three things that kept Taehyung currently sane, give or take.

_1_, He needed to figure out, shamelessly fast, where his family is and why he ended up here.

_2_, He also needed to figure it out what happened to the other six member, where were they?

_3_, Last but not least, why couldn’t he speak English, what happened to his knee and why he had self harm scars on his wrists.

This way, he could start to think about this whole situation somewhat reasonably. Somehow, like this, he could try to remain sane.

_I hope._

He tried not to pay attention to his hunger or his pain. He really tried.

It was as if he was fighting for a lost cause.

**––––––––––––––––**

He didn’t know how long he had been asking for money with his can but eventually he collected enough coins – which was nowhere near enough for food – but it was enough for phone calls.

He found a phone booth and tried his father’s phone number.

_It didn't ring._

Taehyung tried his mother’s.

_It didn't ring._

He tried Namjoon’s.

_It didn't ring._

Jungkook’s.

_It didn't ring._

Taehyung lost all his coins and no one picked it up.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

He tried it again on the next day but nothing happened. He just lost all his money again. He tried not to pay attention to his hunger, avoiding looking at himself or his swollen knee or his scars on his wrists.

Avoiding how it seemed he won’t ever wake up again.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Several days passed and Taehyung received less and less money, and he used it all for phone calls and it never worked.

_What if they are dead?_

Taehyung couldn’t move anymore, his knee began to bleed. He had no other option just to sit down or lay down somewhere.

He had nothing, only his teared up shirt and pants which hugged him,and his coat, trying to protect him from the world.

He stopped dreaming after awhile. He should find a place where he could find something to eat, find something warmer to wear–

_But I can’t move._

Taehyung started to cry, curling up on the ground.

This time, it was not in a warm bed.

**––––––––––––––––––**

He was drifting off and on, coming back to his senses and then losing it all. Which was sometimes a joy, because he forgot how it felt being hungry or how the pain began to rot him away, at least that’s how it felt like.

But then he came back again and felt everything, all at once. Hunger and cold and miserable and it hurt, it hurt so much because

_what_

_if_

_they_

_died._

That was the only thing that made sense. His family would try to find him, they would never let him live like this. Never.

And his other family? No one, no one, not any of the six people would allow this to happen to Taehyung.

_They are dead._

Taehyung fell asleep, hoping he would wake up in his other life. The life he hated so much, the life he hated himself in.

Because even if he hated himself the other people around him were still happy and alive.

And Taehyung

would switch

in

a

minute.

**–––––––––––––––––**

He woke up to a sudden sound, and noticed a knife lying close to him. He felt so nauseous, he turned around to vomit, accidentally putting pressure on his leg, on his knee. He let out a painful whimper as he tried to crawl away from his own vomit, only feeling more pain. The small rock beneath him hurt his skin through the holes on his clothes.

Taehyung started crying again, feeling his stomach have a void, a painful reminder that he has nowhere to go, nothing to eat, can’t walk anymore and his _family._

Taehyung let out a loud sob.

_Both of his family are dead._

He felt tears roll down on his cheek, he violently tried to wipe them away, wanting to move, wanting to do something but had no energy to make it true, had nothing, he had nothing–

_I can’t take this anymore_

_I can’t._

_I can’t._

_I can’t._

_I can’t._

Taehyung’s eyes lingered on the knife close to him. He slowly reached out with his hand and grabbed it, not even giving another thought, he moved it fast, aiming for his chest because–

_I want this_

_to_

_end._

But the pain never came. Taehyung saw someone stand above him, grabbing his hand, not letting him put the knife into his own chest.

The older man’s brown eyes were wide and determined, his dark skin shone under the lamp at the street as he took the knife from Taehyung’s hands and dropped it away.

He looked back and said something that Taehyung didn’t understand. He was silently crying over the fact that he couldn't even kill himself.

All his energy vanished as he fainted.

**––––––––––––––––––**

When he woke up he felt warm.

His eyes snapped open, because this meant–

He was on the ground, pillows and blankets all over him. He looked down at his knee only to see that it was bandaged up. It still hurt like hell but at least it wasn’t an open wound anymore, where dirt couldn’t get into it – where it couldn’t get infected anymore.

Taehyung heard a voice – a familiar one and he looked next to him.

He saw the same person who took the knife out of his hand. He wore a jumper and trousers, looking elegant, yet there were holes on it too.

Taehyung only now noticed that he wasn’t in a house. It was a place under the bridge, but it had several things. Fire and blankets and pillows and an armchair, even a little table–

The man spoke again, and Taehyung turned back, trying to concentrate. He shook his head, trying to make the man understand that he can’t speak English.

The dark skinned man gave him a little smile as he nodded. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started writing something.

He turned the paper, so that Taehyung could read it.

_Joshua._

Taehyung looked up and met his eyes. The man pointed at himself and said with his voice, which felt like music itself, “Joshua.”

Taehyung tried it. “Joshua.”

Joshua’s smile was wider and he offered his hand. Taehyung said his own name, “Taehyung.”

Joshua echoed it, “Taehyung.”

And they shook hands.

**–––––––––––––––––**

As it turned out, Taehyung still wasn’t able to walk. As far as he could understand Joshua, his knee needed months to heal properly. Not that Taehyung had anywhere to go, but Joshua wouldn’t allow him to even move from the ‘bed’, as Taehyung decided to call the place where he slept, which was still the ground, but details.

It didn’t matter though, because no one walked close to this area. It seemed like only him and Joshua knew about this little hidden place. Or what Joshua did to it.

But even then, Taehyung was mostly alone. Joshua disappeared every morning and he only came back late at night. And whenever he did, he brought Taehyung a lot of food, medical stuff for his knee, even painkillers sometimes. The other day, he brought clothes for him and Taehyung was grateful, he was speechless, yes, but he was also worried because where were all this money from?

But Taehyung couldn’t ask that because he did not know how. They hardly ever talked but Taehyung could see that the old man wanted to talk, and in all honesty, Taehyung wanted too. He wanted to know what happened to this man, why he did what he did. He wanted to talk to someone, he wanted to forget where he were or who he was for just a single moment, for only one moment.

So one night, after Joshua came back and finished with changing the bandage on his knee, during dinner, Taehyung tried to explain that he wanted to learn how to speak English.

Joshua’s whole face brightened up with light.

**––––––––––––––––**

They had a routine.

Joshua gave Taehyung exercises – at first, mostly words. The older man pointed at something or drew something and wrote the word down for it. Taehyung wrote it in Korean and then in English too, then began to memorize it. The more words they managed to collect, the better Taehyung got. He had all the time in the world so he studied all day and in the evenings, Joshua would question him.

Joshua showed drawings after drawings, asking what it was. Taehyung answered diligently.

_Apple. Horse. Guitar. Books. Scarf. Coat. Family. Car. Building. Rain. Snow. Headphones._

Even Joshua learned things from Taehyung, because whenever he could and wasn’t tired enough, Joshua asked Taehyung to teach him some Korean, too.

They did this every single day.

Several months passed. So many that Taehyung didn’t want to think about it.

**–––––––––––––––––––**

“How was your day?” Taehyung asked Joshua as he came back with several canned soups in his hand. Taehyung raised a brow and Joshua, seeing his expression, burst out laughing. “I take that as a good one, then.”

The old man winked at him. “Damn good,” he said. “There are more people in the city in October. Man, I hate summer.”

Taehyung rolled his eyes, studying and writing english grammar. More specifically, tenses. “Why do you people have so many tenses. Tell me _this_, Jo.”

Joshua grinned as he opened two canned soups. “You know what old wise people say, Tae. Do it right or do nothing at all.”

Taehyung was amused. “You’re quoting yourself again?”

Joshua chuckled. “I might,” he gave a canned soup to Taehyung. “Eat kiddo, you need strength to get back on your feet.”

Taehyung frowned but accepted the food and began to eat it with a spoon Joshua had given to him earlier. “I have no idea why it is so bad.”

“Your knee?” Joshua asked, looking at Taehyung’s leg. “Glass I’d say, a big one. You don’t remember?”

Taehyung looked away and decided to take a bigger spoon out of his soup. He had no idea. That was this world’s Taehyung, not him. That was this world’s Taehyung, who did self harm and who ended up homeless.

_Not him._

Taehyung sometimes looked back on that night. What would have happened if Joshua hadn’t been there in time.

He stared at the older man and he saw that he was already looking at him, patient and waiting. His gaze sometimes reminded him of Yoongi, and it hurt his heart.

_Don’t think about your other life. Don’t._

It would broke him.

The only reasons he stayed sane was because of Joshua and their friendship. Nothing else.

Taehyung suddenly remembered something. “Do you remember, you said something to me on the night you found me. What was it?”

Joshua furrowed his brows, a little pain flashing through his gaze, but then his eyes softened. His little usual kind smile appeared again as he said,

“We need to show that we can fight, even if there’s not a reason to.”

Taehyung felt his soul stop and he was too afraid to even move.

“I just saw this young boy, a kid really,” Joshua said, his voice like an old song, cracking yet joyful to hear. “Who was just like me,” he looked away, down at the can in his hand, “and I couldn’t, Taehyung. I just couldn’t,” Taehyung noticed that Joshua’s had tears in his eyes. “And even though, I don’t have much, and I doubt I ever will, I wanted to help so I brought you here and you know,” the old man was still looking down, he took a deep breath and Taehyung eyesight turned blurry. “I knew I had nothing but when you came into my life I realized how little I really had and,” he blinked, letting a tear fall, “I’m not rich but having you in my life, kiddo... I think I have everything I need.”

Taehyung gestured Joshua to come closer and when he did he hugged him and tried to cry out his pain. Because even though all his family members were dead–

_At least I have Joshua._

Someone who was his friend, someone who saved him.

**––––––––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung was hearing the song everywhere and when Joshua came home again, Taehyung heard him humming it.

“Everyone likes ‘Shallow’ right?” Taehyung began the conversation.

Joshua beamed. “Of course they do,” he said. “Every store plays this, every radio. It has a good lyrics, Tae.”

Taehyung remembered an interview in his own world. Jungkook sang a bit of the song, said it was his favorite.

And before he knew it, he asked Joshua. “Can you teach me the lyrics?”

**––––––––––––––––––**

It began to snow this week.

November came like a hurricane with snow and the promise of Christmas which seemed to put Taehyung into a foul mood. Joshua tried to cheer him up by bringing him more clothes, even coats, but Taehyung never wanted to get rid of his old coat filled with holes.

The piece of paper from Min was still in there and that was the only evidence that Taehyung somehow ended up in another alternative reality, in another world. The only evidence that the others existed. He didn’t want to risk losing it in any cost.

It was the only evidence which promised him that there might be hope for him to go back, to go back to his own world, because there was no way that this was a dream and this was the other only good explanation.

But somehow, he knew he never will go back. How could he? When seven months had already passed.

**–––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung noticed he could stand on his legs by accident. He did not mean to stand on his feet while he lifted his book up from the ground, he really didn’t, but he somehow did and now–

He noticed that he could easily walk.

He started to laugh out of joy, looking down at his leg, trying to test how much weight was okay to put on it. He had such a big smile on his face–

He couldn’t wait to tell this to Joshua. He will wait for him, he will tell him–

_Or I could check out how he gets the money._

Taehyung already felt guilty. He didn’t ask how Joshua had money for all the nice things because he figured it was rude to ask, especially because the old man only did good for Taehyung since day number one. But he was also curious and only hoped that Joshua knew what he was doing and it was all legal.

_Hoped._

So Taehyung decided to follow him on the next day, to see where he goes. He tried to be as invisible as he could and he managed just fine because the old man never once looked back. They arrived somewhere not too crowded, not too flashy, yet there were enough people walking around.

And then Taehyung saw him sit down at a piano that had a little board on it that said, _‘Play me.’_

Taehyung’s eyes widened as he saw Joshua sat down on the piano stool, put his hat on the instrument and began to play.

Taehyung knew the song immediately. It was popular, and all the people who was close enough to hear it, turned to watch Joshua’s performance. The scarf around his neck danced with the light wind, his coat was perfect and his deep, joyful smile shone under his beard.

_Like a man who found home._

He began to play, Don’t Stop Believing by Journey.

It contained a rich sound, Joshua leaned back, closing his eyes and let his hands paint through the world with music.

He found home.

And to Taehyung, it looked like, as if Joshua played every single day so that everyone could find theirs.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

When he came back, it was night and Taehyung hurried over to him. Joshua’s smile froze on his face as he dropped the shopping bags and started shouting, “Holy mother of Jesus, Tae you can stand–”

Taehyung hugged him and said, his smile showed through his voice, “You can play the piano very well, Jo.”

Joshua took a sharp breath. “You followed me, huh? Should’ve thought,” he hugged Taehyung back. “You’re not going to laugh?”

Taehyung was so surprised he leaned back to look at the old man. “What?” He asked, too loudly. “Why would I laugh?”

Joshua has a sad smile on his face. “Because an old, homeless man still has a dream.”

_A dream that he can do this once more._

“You were a Pianist?” Taehyung asked with a gentle smile because even in this life, he ended up being friends with a musician.

Joshua had a nasty grin on his face, a proud one for sure. “Damn right I was!” He said enthusiastically. “I was good, Tae. I was damn good,” he laughed as he picked up the shopping bags and put them on the table. “I was playing at a really nice bar but something happened and... you know,” he turned around to look at Taehyung. “At least this way I can make some money and help us as well.”

Taehyung had never seen so much kindness in one person. “You should have told me. I am a musician too,” Taehyung winced. “I was.”

Joshua turned surprised. “Really?”

Taehyung hesitantly nodded. “I sang,” he said. “I don’t think I can do it anymore, though.”

Joshua took off his hat and put it on Taehyung who laughed. “You won’t know, if you don’t try.”

_It would be too painful for me to try._

“One day,” Taehyung said in a soft tone. “One day I will try. I promise.”

Before he fell asleep, Taehyung read the piece of paper which was in his pocket again. He did this every single night. He always thought about this kid, only Taehyung saw him, only he noticed how weird he acted like.

And only he saw through his mask.

_Live._

Taehyung fell asleep thinking about an old man who had nothing and yet he gave everything he had by playing on a piano every single day.

**–––––––––––––––––––––**

Days went by, weeks even and one night Joshua brought a little cupcake for Taehyung.

“Why?” Taehyung asked with a little smile.

Joshua only said this, with gentle eyes. “Because you’re just a kiddo and it pains me to see you like this. You never really happy Tae. I understand, I’m not either,” he said, sitting down next to him, ruffling his hair. “But think about how many people are out there, having the perfect life, perfect wealth even, and yet still feel like as if something’s missing. Now those are the ones who truly feel lonely.”

Taehyung could not even speak, he was petrified. He looked into Joshua’s eyes and asked,

“Do you think they would find happiness? Eventually?”

Joshua seemed to think about this for a while. He then answered, “I think even if they do, they would never forget their void. They would always think about _what ifs_ and that would kill anyone.”

Taehyung swallowed. “So there’s no second chance?” he tried to hide the shaking in his voice.

“Everyone has a second chance,” Joshua said with a little smile. “Sometimes we just don’t notice.”

Taehyung whole world turned upside down.

_A second chance._

“Tae, why are you poking that poor cupcake, what did she do to you?”

**–––––––––––––––––––**

Taehyung had no idea why but he woke up with a weird feeling today. He was staring at the piece of paper again, and somehow, chills ran down on his spine.

_Live._

A second chance.

That kid _knew – _he had to know. All of this were connected in such a weird way that it was giving Taehyung the creeps.

Taehyung turned to look over Joshua, who was sleeping, snoring as loudly as always. He heard a song echo through the street and, without even thinking, he put on his shoes and his long coat which was filled with holes, putting back the piece of paper into his pocket.

He grabbed Joshua’s scarf and walked out.

He was still limping a bit, he avoided putting too much pressure on his left knee, on his left leg. The snow began to fell on his shoulders, enough for him to see, but still painting the streets into a white wonderland. Not many cars were on the road now, as Taehyung realized, it was close to Christmas. Only a couple of days.

It could have been after midnight, Taehyung didn’t really know. He just followed the path which Joshua walked on every day. The sound of cars, horns and music. The skyscrapers were light and gold and Taehyung forgot for a minute who he was.

He then arrived in front of the piano and put on his gloves, which left his fingers bare. He, for a couple of minutes, only looked at it. The blue, mighty grand piano. He read the board on it.

_‘Play me’_

Taehyung’s scarf whirled around with the wind, beneath the dark sky, filled with the stars. He walked closer to the instrument and opened to look at the keys.

A lamp shone above Taehyung’s head, shining gold on his brown hair and his red, long scarf.

Taehyung let his hand touch a key and pressed down. It gave out a nice, light tone.

He stopped, taking a deep breath, pushed the snow down and sat down on the stool, not caring about how wet his clothes will be or how cold he was feeling.

He straightened his back and realized that this world’s Taehyung also knew how to play the piano.

_What should I–_

He heard the song echo down the street, from one of the pubs. Taehyung moved his hands, playing by ears, without thinking through.

He played the high notes as a stair, going back and forth, up and down, a couple of times, just to get the hang of it. He moved his head to look up to the stars, and how much he missed this – God, how much he missed music.

He slowed it down, took a deep breath, and under the falling snow, surrounded by no one, Taehyung began to sing.

“_Tell me something, girl, are you happy in this modern world?_” Taehyung heard his voice like a whisper, barely something yet still so powerful. “_Or do you need more? Is there something else you’re searching for?_”

He changed the tone, feeling playful, going even higher, but keeping his voice low. “_I’m falling, in all the good times I find myself longing for a change. And in the bad times, I fear myself._”

He smiled, the snow glowed on his hair below the lamp, his scarf like the storm itself and Taehyung just played.

Played as if this was his last day on earth.

“_Tell me something, boy,_” he began, sounding more comfortable, and more confident. “_Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void? Or do you need more? Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?_”

He slowed it down, his smile never dying. “_I’m falling, in all the good times I find myself longing for a change. And in the bad times, I fear myself._”

Taehyung leaned back and slowed it down, humming the rest of the song, beautifully moving his wrist. He felt his humming deep down in his chest, the piano was gentle and melancholic, nostalgic and Taehyung’s coat danced with the wind, below the night, surrounded by white snow.

And then he stopped.

That’s when he noticed that someone was staring at him. He turned towards him and recognized him immediately.

“This was–,” the boy said with wide eyes, filled with sadness and pain. He walked closer to Taehyung. “You have talent – you have more talent than I had ever seen. Please, you deserve so much more,” he said and then bowed in front of him.

Bowed.

Taehyung did not bow back, he was too shocked to move because the person in front of him was–

“I want to help, so let me,” he said, straightening his back. “My name is Taemin and I want you to come with me to an audition.”

And Taehyung remembered the piece of paper, like a promise.

_Live._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it :3333


End file.
